Single in a World of Weddings

Having fun at a recent family wedding
This past fall, they began arriving. Wedding invitations! One after another. And how did I react? As would any normal single person would in her thirties, I had a panic attack. No joke. I had a mental breakdown. You see, in the past year alone, I had been through three nasty breakups. Two by my own volition and the more recent one, by the other party. Although I wanted to be happy for my friends and family, the impending nuptials drove home the fact that I had just been dumped. And to rub salt in the wound, I had been having premonitions through dreams and other signs that rocky roads awaited some of these couples. What to do? Hide under my blankets for the wedding season or halt the wedding mid-ceremony a' la "The Graduate?"

The answer is found, as it usually is, in taking the middle path. Now (mostly) mentally sound, I attend what weddings I can and wish the best for everyone. After all, no matter what awaits the couple, they have chosen each other to learn and to grow, for better and for worse. Lord knows people have disapproved of my partners, and even when they were right, I did not want to hear their opinions at the time. It's often better to let people make mistakes and learn on their own. If you go around "saving" people, how will they learn their lessons that this particular life has designed for them? In fact, you will be doing them a terrible disservice, as they will have to repeat the lessons in the next life. I don't know about you, but this would totally piss me off.

My grandma and I at my cousin's wedding
The thing about turning thirty, is that you begin to freak out about the status of your life against your own will. Your friends freak out. Your family. The biological clock becomes a real issue, as does your career and relationship status. Couples who have been together forever suddenly get hitched. Friends cram dating sites. I tried OKCupid much to my own detriment, and probably to the detriment of others. "Message me if: You are a medicine man" did not solicit many responses, although I was sincere in the gesture. I even gave the Meetup groups a try, but only butted heads with a would-be shaman hawking oils like a Mary Kay housewife. Disillusioned, I turned inwards once again. 

It's not bad being on one's own. I finally have time to think and breathe and just be myself. The fact that I could not be myself in previous relationships is a red flag that they were not right, no matter how much I loved the person or they loved me. People say that when you are not looking, you find someone, but this only works when you are sincerely not looking and not just pretending not to look. You cannot fool the universe and you cannot fool your inner nature. Sleeping with someone to get over someone else is fraudulent behavior and only causes a fresh round of pain for all parties involved.
Weddings and more weddings!

At a recent wedding, someone tried to set me up with their son.

"Is he single?" I asked.


"So am I," I responded. "But I am not available. I don't want any attachments. I don't even own a cat!"

The man and his friends laughed but I was serious. I am not on the market. Meaning: I am open but not looking for anything. Whenever I have looked and tried and grasped after someone, I have always landed on my face. The moral of the story, I believe, is to just fucking chill and live life, be happy, and let the universe work itself out.

One of my main problems is the need to control everything. The idea of leaving something open to chance and letting the universe/God/higher-self steer is terrifying. My huge ego cannot take it. But where has my ego gotten me so far? It has made a fool of me and deep down, I know that I am no fool. Rather, I am a beautiful, confident, intelligent person who would make a great partner. But when my ego puffs up and deflates, when I vacillate between arrogance and desperation, I am not-so-ideal. Honestly, when I act like this, even I wouldn't want to date me. So best to chill. 

A magical round of bocce after dinner
An interjection: the only reason I am writing about this is not to be solipsistic but to actually relate to and aid others who are going through the same situation. After reading the widely popular Eat Pray Love, in which Elizabeth Gilbert goes through a very similar process, I am confident that the issue of balancing the ego within relationships is a universal one.

A non sequitur: Several months ago, I had a dream of attending a friend's wedding in California. This is an old friend whom I haven't been in touch with for years. In the dream, I looked across the wedding crowd and saw a charming man. He noticed me, too, and when our eyes locked, that was that. A voice spoke to me (as it usually does when teaching in dreams), saying: Weddings are a good way to meet people. What a dream! Too bad I wasn't even invited to this friend's wedding! HAHAHAHA. Oh well.

Much love all around. Be at peace.


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